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Porch Athletes

Jay Cutler Drunk
Michael Vaughn

In the spirit of celebrating good drinks with good friends, I wanted to come up with a list of some athletes who would be fun to kick back and share a few drinks with … or maybe a little bit more than a few. Which leads us into our first athlete:

John Daly

John Daly is a serious drinker. The problem with inviting John Daly over for a few drinks on the porch starts with the fact that he would undoubtedly drink all of your beer himself and end with the fact that all casualty of the night would be ruined when one or all of the following things happening:

  1. You end up getting arrested at Hooters for passing out drunk on your table at 1 a.m. and refusing to go to the hospital.
  2. You gamble away $50-60 million and wake up broke and desperate.
  3. You end up shirtless (because of course your shirt is off, you’re 400 lbs, you look great!) molesting shirtless (and slightly less fat) women who by the way,aren’t your wife.
  4. You rent a blimp with Mike Tyson and throw water balloons out of the window during the Daytona 500.

I made up ONE of those stories. ONE.

Insert Chicago Bears Quarterback: Jim McMahon

Jim McMahon liked his beer. In fact he liked it so much that he showed up to his first Chicago Bear function after being drafted with a brew in hand. Now I wouldn’t say that McMahon drank too much, but he would. In 2003 after being pulled over by the police, Jim simply stated, “I’m too drunk, you got me.”

Based on the play of the 247 quarterbacks that started for Chicago between McMahon and Kyle Orton, one could assume that they were all drunks.

There is no need for assumption with Kyle Orton (picture left).

Apparently feeling as if their quarterback was a drunk but not a drunk and a Dick-Head, they amazingly upgraded by trading for this (picture right).

Jay Cutler folks!

The first QB in history to have a higher BAC than TD/Int ratio.

Charles Barkley

Rounding into the athletes that would be more than happy to join you on the porch with more than his fair share of beers we come to Charles Barkley. Presumably Charles would get you into less trouble than the previous athletes on this list (assuming you don’t live near a casino). With Charles you know that you would get a lot of good laughs, a lot of crazy stories, and probably end up eating pretty well.

Usually drinking a few beers gets you feeling like the smartest person in the room; and with Charles sitting next to you, you just may be!

While inviting these athletes over to your porch may turn into a memorable night, the athlete that best represents that ideal porch drinking companion would be:

Peyton Manning

Growing up in the south and the slow drawl and easy going nature of Peyton lead me to believe that he likes to kick back with a few cold ones. He obviously has a killer sense of humor and enough approachability to make him my ideal porch drinking athlete companion.

Congrats Peyton, you win my list. Your brother may have one more Super Bowl ring … but that guy seems like a total buzz kill.

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