News Week in Review – 10/22 – 10/29
Hurricane/Super-Storm Sandy Hits
If you’ve been watching the news at all in the last 48 hours, you’ve heard the news: New York and New Jersey are doomed. The “worst-case scenario” of perfect tide conditions and incredible amounts of rain finally brought super-storm Sandy to land, wrecking the coast with record-setting wind speeds, power outages, and flooding across the northeastern seaboard.
While no footage yet exists showcasing how these cities and towns are no doubt hosting legions of Aquaman’s best, one thing’s for sure: Atlantic City is about to meet its namesake.
The hurricane hoopla has viewers expecting human-horse hybrids, cats and dogs living together, and mass hysteria, but all chiding beside, please be safe, East Coasters.
The Giants Continue Their Dynasty
Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of a Detroit mon’. This week, the San Francisco Giants swept all four games of the World Series versus the Detroit Tigers. What started off as complete dominance in a 8-3 win with a record-tying three home run game by Pablo “Panda” Sandoval, the Giants continued to prove they are the best team in the Major League Baseball game after game after game. I may be biased because my dad played for this organization, but this Giants team had some of that special magic that makes watching baseball unparalleled by any other sport. Good luck in the coming years, MLB. The Giants now rule atop that championship beanstalk, and it’s going to be one tough sucker to climb.
Cannibal Cop Arrested Before Hors D’Oeurves
It takes a lot of guts to eat someone. Seriously, skinny people have, like, no meat on their bones. But it also takes a lot of maliciousness, depravity, and insanity, and that’s just what New York City police officer Gilberto Valle, 28, had when he was caught planning a cannibalistic torture fest for a couple of women. Using his resources as a police officer, Valle had the names, birthdates, and addresses of over 100 women and sent emails and instant messages containing specific details of his would be crime. Luckily, his estranged wife alerted authorities to his sick intentions, and Valle was caught before he could complete any of his plans. What’s scarier than a zombie wanting to eat you? A scheming, living, Hannibal Lector-ish human wanting to eat you. I joke, but honestly, this truly is so wrong and terrifying…Happy Halloween!
Senate Hopeful Says God Intends Rape Pregnancy
In a move that made me ashamed to be a Hoosier, Indiana Senate candidate and Tea Party Republican Richard Mourdock this week said, “I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.” As much of the nation noted throughout the week, earlier this year, Mourdock ousted the much respected Senator Richard Lugar in the Republican primaries. Lugar, who served on the Senate Committee of Foreign Relations and spent a majority of his life working toward the dismantlement of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons was beat by an extremist. I, along with the thousands of Indiana independents and moderates who forsook the primary senate elections under the assumption of another Lugar victory, are responsible for this man being in our Senate race. On behalf of all who care about mothers, sisters, daughters, and girlfriends, I apologize. But Mourdock isn’t a Senator yet…
Candidates Jab Each Other With Verbal Bayonets in Final Debate
Whew. It’s almost over, folks. The debates started with Romney gaining significant momentum, but by the end, all that fighting experience caused Obama to finally evolve into his most deadly form: the ’08 BarackAttack. This week’s famous moment came in Obama’s response to Romney’s concern with America’s Navy harboring fewer ships than in 1916. “Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets,” the President said. “It’s not a game of Battleship, where we’re counting ships.” Zinger! Despite the spectacle of political sparring, Romney regained ground a few days later by accepting an endorsement from Robert Paulson himself, Meat Loaf. Sources report that he will do anything for love, but some question whether the marriage of Mitt and Meat Loaf will seal the usually liberal “rocker” demographic. No, no, it won’t do that.
Lance Armstrong is The Greatest No More
After stepping down from Livestrong, the tarnishing of Lance Armstrong’s legacy continued this week with The International Cycling Union’s decision to not appeal the United States Anti-Doping Agency’s ruling against Armstrong. This means Lance Armstrong is now officially stripped of all seven Tour de France titles. October has truly been a horror show for Lance Armstrong.
Windows 8 Versus iPad Mini
Microsoft fans, rejoice! This week, Microsoft’s newest OS Windows 8 dropped, offering up a sleeker, better running alternative to its predecessor. Windows 8 is set to run optimally with Microsoft’s new Surface tablet, Kinect on Xbox 360, and your go-to PC. Apple fans, rejoice! The iPad Mini and a 13” Macbook Pro with Retina display were announced this week, but if you absolutely cannot wait for an iPad Mini, it’s best not to hold your breath. Within 20 minutes of pre-order availability, the iPad Mini sold out.
And that’s your big news of last week. Now get back to creeping on your friend’s Halloween party pictures. Oh, no, don’t worry. Your costume was ttoottaallyy cooler than Sandy’s.
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