Know, dear reader: we live in trying political times. The right hates the left, the left lampoons the right and between the destructive forces of the two-party system lay the twitching corpse of the American electorate, tragically caught in the crossfire.

But if watching the RNC and DNC looked more like the video above to you, you’ve come to the right place:

Welcome!

Let’s get started.

Who needs to be bothered with silly politics when there are video games to be played, particularly the ridiculously awesome looking Halo 4, which released a mini-documentary this week. Called ‘A Hero Awakens,’ it shows behind the scenes content, story development and the new look of this sequel to one of the biggest franchises in entertainment media. Check it out.

This next bit of news might seem like something President Master Chief might call for, but it happened all the same: the US government warns citizens of a zombie apocalypse. “FINALLY!” screams “The Walking Dead” junkie, thrusting a shotgun gripped hand into the air. But hold your undead horses. It was all part of an exercise showing how zombie survival preparation is a useful way to prepare for normal disasters like hurricanes or earthquakes. Boooorrrriinngg. Munch on this just released Walking Dead season 3 poster in the meantime.

Speaking of disappointments, Michael Bay’s live action “Ninja Turtles” script leaked a few weeks back, and it was met with rampant disappointment. Even “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” co-creator Peter Laird hated it, stating that trying to make it into something “halfway decent is probably a fool’s errand.” But now Bay has come out claiming the script met the “shredder” (ohwhatapun!) and that fans should keep faith  Oh, alright Mr. Bay, we’ll trust you with our childhood. We’ll trust you with a fantastic franchise based on a best selling comic-book. We’ll trust you even though you’ve changed the turtles into aliens instead of mutants, which completely destroys the entire underlying theme of society’s waste dumped on and mutating the youth of today. We’ll trust you as much as you should trust TMNT fans stuck with you in a room full of katanas, bow-staffs, sais and nunchucks. Cowabunga, dude.

Baaahhyyeeeyaahhhh, it’s time to start dancin’ in September, because fall TV is finally beginning. Although for “Fringe,” “The Office,” “30 Rock” and possibly “Community,” this means the beginning of the end, fear not. “Parks and Recreation,” “Modern Family,” “How I Met Your Mother,” “Family Guy” and “New Girl” are returning (yes “New Girl,” it’s hilarious), along with a majority of your other favorite shows “Dexter,” “Boardwalk Empire” and “Sons of Anarchy.” Interested in any new shows? Check out the combined efforts of J.J. Abrams, Eric Kripke, and Jon Favreau in “Revolution,” available now on Hulu with no subscription required. 

In case you missed it, the 2012 MTV Video Music Awards aired this week, during which MTV proved it and music are never, ever, ever, getting back together. With Green Day’s fake fans fake mobbing the fake band mid-fake-song, Kevin Hart attempting what some call “hosting,” and Rihanna winning video of the year, the show was almost depressing. Ironically, it was redeemed by a few key performances, most notably Frank Ocean singing “Thinking About You.” It’s going to be tough to find the video online with MTV’s copyright thought-police going bonkers over it, but try anyway. Frank Ocean killed it.

In significantly more depressing news, actor Michael Clarke Duncan died this week at the age of 54. Listen, few actors could pull off the spark that Michael Clarke Duncan did on screen, and even fewer people have it in actuality. But to me, this man seemed like one of the most genuinely happy people out there, and he brought that joy into every role he played. From his Oscar-nominated role in “The Green Mile,” to “Armageddon,” to “Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby,” this man made me smile whenever he was on screen. Of course I didn’t know him personally, but either way, it’s sad to seem him go.

Quick, watch this new trailer of “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” to perk back up! Whether you laugh at it or say “cool!” if nothing else it’s definitely noteworthy. To me, it dances the line between awesome and awful, and I can’t decide which. At least they had the good sense to use Nine Inch Nails’ “The Wretched” to score the trailer, much like “The Perfect Getaway,” which turned out to be surprisingly good. Then again, I felt the same cautious optimism about “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter,” so I’ll keep this one in check … for now.

So dread no more, dear reader. The storms will pass, political pundits will get elected and lambasted, and we’ll keep swimming. Oh, and Henry Winkler, aka the Fonz, is confirmed for the new Arrested Development season. Keep a lookout for Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog to see if Scott Baio will be back as well.

I’m Nik Heimach, and I approve this message.