Election 2016 | The Star Wars Party Awakens

Drew Troller
On September 14, 2016
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Just about 2 months to go until the god-awful election season is over. Thank goodness. And if you’re one of the many people struggling to find a candidate you care about, we’ve already asked you to consider the GOT Party – in other words, the murder-y borderline-evil characters from HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” It’s a small step in the right direction.

But “Game of Thrones” isn’t the only pop culture institution with characters who could run for President this election season. There are plenty of powerful leaders in a galaxy far, far away who could feasibly make America great again.

That’s right. We invented a political party. The Star Wars Party.

Republicans, Democrats, and Independents alike could stand to take a look at The Star Wars Party. Below, we take a look at a few potential nominees. Like all politicians, they have their pros and cons, but maybe you can find someone you’d vote for this election if you were Forced to.

So contact your state board of elections and let them know you’re changing your affiliation to the Star Wars Party. Because in a messed up two-party system, this Star Wars party could be a new hope for America.

POE DAMERON

PRO: Everyone seems to know that Poe Dameron is the best pilot in the Resistance. He has saved the lives of many individuals across the galaxy. And since war heroes tend to do well in elections, Poe has great stories to tell about his exploits in battle. Plus, his one-of-a-kind connection with his astromech droid BB-8 is endearing. He’s a military hero with a heart of gold.

CON: Some may worry about Poe giving up Resistance secrets. When Kylo Ren captured Poe, Poe quickly gave up the location of BB-8; he couldn’t stand the Force-torture for any meaningful amount of time. Who’s to say that he didn’t give up even more secrets that could put his team in danger? Can you really trust a leader whose mind is that accessible to his enemies?

Will you vote for Poe Dameron as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

FINN

PRO: Finn instantly got the endorsement of Poe Dameron by rescuing him from the Finalizer Star Destroyer. Poe gave Finn more than his leather jacket; he even gave him a name – they’re bros. Since that time, Finn proved himself a brave warrior and a loyal team member. He’s eager to make a difference, and hungry for something to fight for.

CON: Before rescuing Poe, Finn actually fought for the First Order. Regardless of your politics, this flip-flopping could be career suicide for Finn. He wasn’t even an exceptionally high-ranking Stormtrooper; he worked in Sanitation. He’s a newcomer to galactic politics; he may need more experience before he’s ready to lead the party.

Will you vote for Finn as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

REY

PRO: Rey is the confident, strong, hyper-competent type of hero the galaxy needs. There’s really no challenge that she hasn’t faced, and with each new hurdle she dives in with faith that she can do it. As if her law and order credentials (standing up to scavngers like Teedo) aren’t enough… Rey is also experienced playing the junk markets. Maybe the Star Wars Party could use a nominee who’s tough on crime AND understands how to scrape by on a tiny budget.

CON: Rey’s also a bit of a lone wolf. She’s generally distrustful of others, and slow to accept help. And she’s a bit provincial; there’s a big galaxy out there, and Rey didn’t even realize that the color green existed until she was in her late teens. Perhaps the party should nominate someone who’s a bit more well-traveled and experienced.

Will you vote for Rey as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

KYLO REN

PRO: The Star Wars Party is a big tent party – not everyone has to agree to be nominated. And despite Kylo Ren’s issues (we’ll get to those), he has achieved the rank of Master in the Knights of Ren. He’s also feared throughout the First Order, and shows incredible strength in the Force. He could create a huge coalition of First Order voters if nominated.

CON: It will be hard for many to overlook the fact that (spoiler alert) Kylo Ren killed his father, Han Solo. We also know that he’s ordered the slaughter of entire villages without batting an eye. He seeks to become like Darth Vader, the galaxy’s most ruthless leader ever. But even his mentor Snoke wonders if Kylo is authentic. He may just be an another angry person using a leadership position to crush the people he dislikes.

Will you vote for Kylo Ren as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

LUKE SKYWALKER

PRO: Luke Skywalker is arguably the greatest hero the galaxy has ever known. He fought in several key battles in the Galactic Civil War, coming from a humble upbringing to leading the victorious Rebels. In spite of some shady family history, Luke managed to bring balance to the Force; somehow, he even turned former enemy Darth Vader into an ally.

CON: Much of Luke’s activities since Ben Solo’s fall from grace are unknown. Why did he go into hiding when the galaxy needed him most? Can he still be trusted as a fighter? Even if Luke is ready to return to the forefront, his political opponents need only mention the fact that he killed 369,470 people while fighting in various Star Wars. How many star systems have courts for war crimes?

Will you vote for Luke Skywalker as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

LEIA ORGANA

PRO: General Organa is tenacious in the face of conflict. Leia has never been afraid to speak her mind, even to male counterparts who question her efficacy. Her sharp wit is matched by her military prowess. Lest you worry she’s too much of a war hawk, remember that Leia was raised on Alderaan, a planet that she says has no weapons. And her ability to create coalitions (she’s the one who brought Obi Wan out of hiding) shows that she’s always been very diplomatic.

CON: Leia and Luke could both be hit in the press for being the bastard children of an evil dark lord. Leia is also on record making false statements about remembering her “very beautiful, kind, but sad” mother… who in fact died minutes into Leia’s life. As if being an evil dark lord’s daughter wasn’t enough, she’s also the mother to another crazed Force-user.

Will you vote for Leia Organa as the nominee for the Star Wars Party?

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016

Qualified Write-In Candidates Below:

— The Star Wars Party (@StarWarsParty16) September 14, 2016