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A Preview of a Live-Tweeted Thanksgiving

A Preview of a Live-Tweeted Thanksgiving
Drew Troller

Tonight, I take a red-eye out of Los Angeles to go home (can I still call it home if I don’t live there?) for Thanksgiving. Many of us at PorchDrinking – and our readers and friends – will do the same. Here is a preview of what your friends will be tweeting over the holiday. It’s a preview of one man’s hypothetical live-tweeted Thanksgiving weekend, to get you into the spirit and prepare you for the updates from friends as they slowly tire of that warm feeling of being around loved ones.

 

WEDNESDAY:

“My boss says I can leave early tonight. If I make it out of the office at 5, I should have time to pack and get to the airport in time for my 11:15 flight.”

“Just two hours left in this day, then I get a few days off! It’ll be nice to just unwind with family.”

“Hmm, where did all my winter clothes go? Oh, well, Cincinnati isn’t that cold in November, is it? Shorts will work, right?”

“How is airport parking 15 dollars a day? That’s insane!”

“How is checking a bag 25 dollars? That’s ridiculous?”

“My flight is delayed. Oh, well. The airport bar has a TV, and it looks like there’s a basketball game.”

“Oh, crap, this is the Bobcats vs the Wizards. Isn’t anything else on?”

“How is one Coors Light at this bar 12 dollars? That’s absurd!”

“They just called for boarding in zone 1! Let’s see, I’m in… Zone 23. Crap.”

“The dude next to me is listening to his iPhone with no headphones. I hope he has headphones once we take off.”

“We’re taking off and this guido is still bobbing his head to music with no headphones.”

“WiFi on this flight is 10 bucks. What a steal! Wait… 10 bucks per minute? Oh damn it.”

“Stewardess is bringing around drinks. I’m gonna get a beer. I need to unwind.”

“Best 12 dollar Bud Light I’ve ever had.”

“I’m a little sleepy. They’re showing Two Broke Girls on this flight. I think it’s funnier without headphones; I can make up the dialogue. For example: ‘I’m a pretty blonde!’ ‘I’m a busty brunette with a dark sense of humor!’ This show is hilarious!”

 

THURSDAY:

“Cincinnati has kind of a depressing skyline, huh?”

“Wait, no, that was the Kansas City skyline. Still another hour or two until Cincinnati.”

“The pilot sounds depressed announcing that we’ve arrived in Cincinnati. I, for one, am glad to be back home.”

“Just texted my mom to see if she’s at the gate to pick me up yet. Very glad to be back!”

“Nope… she’s still at home. I guess I’ll hang out at CVG for a bit.”

“It’s nostalgic to be driven home in my mom’s car. I feel like we should be stopping for ice cream.”

“We’re stopping for ice cream.”

“Relatives brought their pets. There’s like eight different animals sniffing me as I walk in the door.”

“The Lions losing their football game is my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. #GoPackGo”

“My relatives asked me to explain what a TV control room does. I’ve explained TV as a series of tubes.”

“Now they’re asking me if my control room created the Westminster dog show.”

“Jet lag is the best excuse ever for not helping with dishes.”

“When did my family’s WiFi network get renamed to ‘Yo Whatup Bitchz Dis Here Da Trollas Straight OG Style’?”

 

FRIDAY:

“My mom and sister tried to wake me up for Black Friday shopping at 4am. They’re getting coal this year.”

“Breakfast: a breakfast burrito with turkey. And cranberry sauce for salsa. Yum.”

“Family hike! I love the crunchy leaves on the ground. LA doesn’t have that.”

“Ran into my 5th grade English teacher who I thought was cute at the time. She has not aged well. #sorrythatsmean”

“Yay!!! Turkey leftovers.”

“Time to play a family game of Apples to Apples. Lets live-tweet this thang!”

“Category: Delicious. Winner: A Dirty Diaper (my brother)”

“Category: Horrifying. Winner: A Dirty Diaper (my sister)”

“Category: Sexy. Winner: A Dirty Diaper (my uncle)”

“Okay, how do we have so many dirty diaper cards in this deck?”

“There’s something nice about relaxing while a fire burns in the fireplace. I wish my apartment had one. Someone buy me a fire pit.”

“Scrabble game. Someone usually gets overly emotional and quits before the game ends.”

“I have six vowels and a Q. This is insane. But at least I’m not gonna get emotional and quit.”

“WHATEVER, SCRABBLE IS A STUPID GAME ANYWAY, I’M GONNA GO WATCH NETFLIX IN MY ROOM!”

 

SATURDAY:

“Meeting up with some friends from college for lunch. Exciting!”

“Hmm… weird hanging out with these guys without Natty Lite. We’re eight minutes in and out of things to talk about.”

“Now we’re discussing our favorite memories of Natty Lite. Lunch saved.”

“Holy crap did you guys know [that guy] and [that girl] got enganged?! Like, what a mistake, right?!”

“Kind of sad that I’ll be leaving home tomorrow. It’s nice to get a break.”

“How is there still turkey in the fridge? I could’ve sworn I gave all the leftovers to the dogs! What’s a guy gotta do for a pizza?!”

“Family is going to see Skyfall. I spoiled the end for them. They’re making me see Twilight alone as punishment.”

“There’s something very very off about a grown man sitting alone to see Twilight when everyone else is under the age of 15.”

“Finally, family dinner out. No more turkey.”

“Actually, the turkey sandwich at this place looks pretty good.”

 

SUNDAY:

“Four people at church asked me if I’m married yet. Time to go to the airport. Thanksgiving over, time for XMAS”

“The same guy from my flight home is on this plane listening to music without headphones!!!”

“Unbelievable. My mom snuck a tupperware of turkey into my carry-on bag.”

“… she’s kind of the best.”


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