So your in-laws are coming into town. Not the worst thing in the world, right? Let’s just assume you love your in-laws. There’s still a 99% chance you will be abandoning all concept of what you consider fun for their entire visit. This isn’t like your parents coming into town—they expect you to be a moron from time to time. You can try to be on your best behavior, but that’s boring. And let’s face it, alcohol helps in high pressure situations.

With that, here is the Ultimate 6-er for when your in-laws come into town. You either want to impress them or just get through the weekend. I’ve taken the liberty to break the visit down and provide the beer you will need to get through each event. You’re welcome.

Arrival

Bigfoot Barleywine Style Ale from Sierra Nevada packs the punch you need to start off the visit. I realize there are other beers that have a higher ABV, but they are most likely not the easiest beers to drink. You can find a 15% ABV beer, but you’ll be sitting there for two hours trying to gulp it down (while weeping with the realization that you just spent $30 on a bottle of beer). Since you’re likely in a crunch for time, go with Bigfoot, which still packs nearly 10% ABV. One beer and you’ll feel a bit loopy. Perfect.

If you’re more interested in keeping up appearances, La Fin Du Monde from Unibroue is the ticket. THE END OF THE WORLD. OK—a bit on the nose. I get it. It’s still a delicious beer, and you at least will look high class while drinking it. “A beer that comes with a cork? How fancy?!”

“When are you going to have children?” conversation

There’s no need for the good stuff here. Just break out PBR and/or Beast Ice. Gets the job done, and you can down a case without spending too much money. You know this conversation is coming, but it doesn’t dull the impact once it finally arrives. Plus, there’s no correct answer, so why not be a bit tipsy while explaining your belief that puppies are significantly better than children. If you aren’t married yet, this can also be replaced with “what are you going to do with your life?” or “when are you two finally going to settle down?”

End of the visit

You can go two directions here. You can decide you want to celebrate the end of another successful weekend with a high-end beer worthy of such an event. In that case, go with something obscure. Go to your nearest liquor store, and seek out the beer that has a purchase limit. This is your beer. My choice? La Citrueille Celeste de Citracado, the collaboration from The Bruery, Stone and Elysian. Probably the perfect beer for celebrating a job well done.

What if the weekend went terribly? You looked like a complete ass or just flat out said the wrong thing at every turn. Big Hurt Beer is your best friend. Not only is it a cheap beer typically served in tallboy cans, but it’s also a malt liquor—you can pour some out on the curb for your fallen/missing dignity without breaking the bank.

The important thing to remember is that you survived. If not, you can be happy knowing your in-laws are enjoying an Ultimate 6er for the Zombie Apocalypse while dodging your attempts to eat their face. Cheers!