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New Year’s Resolutions: POP CULTURE edition!

New Year’s Resolutions: POP CULTURE edition!
Drew Troller

Maybe you want to lose weight or recycle more or volunteer in your community for 2014. All great new year’s resolutions. Well, we here at PorchDrinking.com got our hands on these EXCLUSIVE, MIND-BLOWING, not-at-all-made-up new year’s resolutions from the people who, in 2013, made pop culture, well… POP!

Miley Cyrus: “Bring a new made-up word into the lexicon. Last year it was ‘twerk’; this year, I’m thinking ‘schlorb.’ I have no idea what ‘schlorbing’ is yet; but you’ll be sick of it soon, trust me.”

If you thought 2013 was weird… wait ’til 2014.

Beyonce: “Instead of dropping a surprise album with no promo, I’m going to take it to the next level. In 2014, I’m going to sneak into every house in America and perform a concert for them unexpectedly. No photos, please.

Coming to a living room near you

Apple: “Figure out what other letters we can add after iPhone 5 to stall production of something actually new. Then make billions off the launch of the iPhone 5W.”

You don’t know what it is or what it does, but you know you HAVE to have it.

Vladimir Putin: “Continue my fight against the gay agenda. Then catch up on episodes of ‘Glee.’ I love that show.”

Strictly manliness

Diana Nyad: “Wear more sunblock.”

Worth it.

United States Congress: “Try to keep the government operating for all 365 days of the year.”

We can do it!

NBC: “After the huge success of rebooting ‘Ironside,’ bring back other hit shows like ‘The Misfits of Science.’”

A classic.

Jodi Arias, George Zimmerman: “Lay low for awhile.”

Or, alternately, get a reality show together.

Kanye West: “Keep it up. No one has anything bad to say about you or your attitude. You’re a genius, Kanye. Love, Kanye.”

Kanye’s greatest love: Kanye.

Will Ferrell: “Appear in public NOT as Ron Burgundy.”

You might have a chance at NOT seeing this kind of thing every day in 2014.

Anthony Weiner: “Buy a phone that doesn’t have a camera.”

Switch phone plans IMMEDIATELY

Netflix: “Open rehab center for people addicted to our product.”

 

Another idea: prison for people who steal friends’ Netflix passwords

Canada: “Be edgy in ways other than having a city whose mayor smokes crack.”

Somehow, America’s favorite Canadian.

George R. R. Martin: “Kill everyone that every reader has ever loved.”

Oh yeah… spoiler alert….

Harlem Shake Guy: “Be remembered by even ONE PERSON in 2014.”

It was fun for the two weeks it lasted.

 

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