Ultimate 6er | Breaking New Year’s Resolutions
Ahh, January, the month of New Year resolutions made to be broken. Especially gloriously vague exclamations like “I’m going to exercise more!” This just means you don’t already exercise and you’re really not going to. Or “I’m going to drink less!” That sounds nice the day after you were sloshing crystal goblets of cheap champagne all over the floor at midnight. But that shit won’t hold up during NFL playoffs. Interestingly, the list of most commonly broken New Year’s reso’s is the same list of the most common ones. I think that makes the whole process an oxymoron. So, in the spirit of not sticking to it and unfollowing through, today’s Ultimate 6er will explore the best of broken New Year’s resolutions.
At $17.00 per bomber, you’re looking at $0.75 per ounce for Madagascar from 4 Hands, which when you put it that way doesn’t really seem that bad. And it’s not, unless you’re into 30 packs of Keystone Light. At any rate, with a brew this glorious, you should bury yourself in debt to fill the fridge with it. Debt, schmebt – Madagascar me.
The concept of drinking less kind of flies in the face of the very raison d’etre of PorchDrinking and frankly, I don’t know why anyone would take on such a fruitless endeavor. But if you insist, plop a bottle of the velvety smooth Milk Stout Nitro from Left Hand in your lap. Don’t forget the hard pour. You want to be not only hypnotized by its chocolaty goodness but also the magical cascading happening in your glass. Man, I love this beer. Left Hand should rename it Mother’s Milk. Drink less my left… hand. P.S. I know this pun is terrible but it just flew out of my fingers and I had to leave it there.
“I’m going to eat healthier this year!” What a vague bunch of nonsense. It would be even better if you inserted paleo for healthier. Then you DEFINITELY wouldn’t follow through. So, when you’re fried from a long week of work and sitting down to watch the Super Bowl—knowing full well there ain’t no way you’ll be passing on the wings—do yourself a favor and really crush your resolve with King Louie Toffee Stout from O’Fallon. Make sure you let it come to room temperature first so you can revel in the fact that it was brewed with 600 pounds of toffee from a company with roots that go back 300 odd years. King Louis the XTXVICM didn’t worry about eating healthy so neither should you.
It’s a widely known fact that beer lovers are coffee lovers and vice versa. And for good reason: they’re both beverages of the gods. A soup terrine of caffeine in the morning and a small keg of beer in the evening are really the perfect bookends to any day of the week. So if you tell me your resolution is to reduce your caffeine intake, I’m going to hand you a bottle of Java Stout from Bell’s. I haven’t actually had it yet but the reviews I’ve heard are quite positive. And just look at that crazy looking coffee cup on the label. Pretty sure he ate the mushrooms BEFORE diving down Alice’s rabbit hole. The description on the back even uses the word “enchanting”. Do you really have any other reason not to break your promise?
This is a good resolution. Everyone can benefit from getting out and seeing the world. So I’m going to buck my formula and say that you can in fact keep this resolution with a bottle of Prairie Artisan’s Pirate Bomb – both literally and figuratively. Literally because this beer is just so exquisite and complex you’d be hard pressed not to feel as though you’ve been transported to a new locale upon drinking. And figuratively because there is a pirate ship exploding inside a snow globe being held by a hand out of a Stephen King novel. And the explosion looks like a piece of broccoli with a skull inside it. Oh, you’re traveling alright.
Exercise. The bane of weekend laziness. We all know it’s good for us, so why is it so frequently a broken New Year’s resolution? I don’t know but I do know that when you don’t follow through on this flimsy attempt at righteousness, you should treat yourself to Dark Penance from Founders. You broke a promise, right? Time for some penance, sinner. Mercifully, you won’t turn into the wrinkly human thing on the label upon completion. Instead you’ll enjoy that just right combo of IPAness and maltiness with the buzz of an 8.9 percenter. And you wanted to exercise.
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