Ultimate 6er for Your Government Shutdown
Well, Congress has done it again: managed to completely frak up everything. And this time, they have managed to shut down almost the entire government (yes, that thing they are supposed to keep running). So this unfortunate turn of events leaves a lot of feds and Congressional staffers sitting around at home without a paycheck. So what will they do? What will the rest of us do to support them and stand in solidarity? Why, drink beer of course! Here are some PorchDrinking pro-tips on the best beers to drink during the government shutdown:
Lagunitas Undercover-Investigation Shut-Down Ale
The name says it all: the perfect beer for your Shut-Down. Back in 2005, due to some serious shenanigans, Lagunitas faced a 20 day suspension of operations. In celebration of this accomplishment, the brewery whipped up an “especially bitter” beer. Especially bitter is also an appropriate palate to accompany an especially B-S filled back-and-forth in Congress.
Port City Essential Pale Ale
There is nothing non-essential about this beer! If you are one of the lucky few selected as essential government personnel, then go out and buy with your non-furloughed salary a case of these delicious, golden ales to celebrate your cruciality to the federal gov machine. You may also want to share a few brews with your not-so-essential colleagues. They will appreciate the gesture and will pay it forward for when you need their help to handle the inevitable backlog of paperwork.
To all of you poor souls forced to twiddle thumbs on the couch, eating whatever may be left in the fridge because you are unsure of when that next paycheck will roll through (there’s nothing like a ketchup and mayonnaise sandwich garnished with capers and that Chinese egg roll sauce from last week’s take out), fear not, there is still beer you can afford! Arguably one of America’s cheapest beers, Icehouse can, well, get the job done. As Congress continues to bumble through establishing the nation’s budget, keep your hard-earned fed pennies close and make sure they go as far as possible. Pairs well with Ramen noodles and 7-11 taquitos.
Three Stars Pandemic Porter
With the FDA considered as “non-essential,” we are all pretty much guaranteed to contract hoof-in-mouth disease. Since the FDA can no longer test our foods to ensure no horrendous diseases will be spread, a zombie apocalypse is inevitable. With mad cow disease and e-coli outbreaks now sweeping the nation, bands of roving Americans battling for survival must turn to the one place that promises to hold a cure: the CDC. Oh, wait, that’s non-essential, too. Sorry guys! I guess we just have to let the zombies win this one.
South Gate Brewing Honey Badger Wheat Ale
It seems that the U.S. government has also declared the National Park Service as non-essential. This means all national parks are closed for business until Congress decides to stop squabbling over laws that have already been passed. So show your support for nature by at least drinking plenty of brews by local breweries located near the parks. For example, you could head over to South Gate Brewing in Yosemite and drink away your sorrows for not being able to enjoy its famous vistas or geysers. Enjoy a Honey Badger Wheat in the name of Congress because obviously, they also don’t give a shit.
Crux Fermentation Impasse Saison
We’re almost through our first week of the SHUT-DOWN. According to my CNN updates, we don’t seem any closer to an agreement than we were when the shut-down took effect. We must drink to forget that our government is a complete hot mess and is stuck at a point of total gridlock. This, my fellow Americans, is an impasse. It seems we are in for at least a few more days (if not weeks!) of ignorant Congressmen yelling at Park Service rangers, no kayaking on the Potomac River, and deprival of the world’s cutest Panda Cam. Here’s hoping this isn’t America’s final scene. At least we have plenty to drink.