An Actual PorchDrink with Chase and Tristan
Let it be known that the impetus for this post came after the realization that we had absolutely zero content ready to go up on the site tomorrow. Also let it be known that when Chase Parker decides to drink, you should drop everything and drink with the cranky old man. It’s kinda like when our house parties turn into a field trip to the Rockbar. (The Rockbar is a shit hole bar/club down the street that doubles as a motel on the top floor, but also can be amazingly fun when hammered. If you ever find yourself awoken at the Rockbar Motel, go ahead and assume you have every sexually transmitted disease known to man) Trips to the Rockbar can be rare, but great things generally occur, much like a Gramps drinking session. The following transcript is the subsequent conversation that took place as a result of our late night porch drink. Welcome to our world.
As we sat down to begin this expedition to drunk town, Chase decided to kick the night off right …
C: “Am I gonna have to bring the tunes out here, or are you gonna crank it up?”
After playing Alex Clare’s Too Close …
C: “What the fuck … is this from that Apple commercial?” (Clearly Internet Explorer needs to rethink it’s branding.)
The next song that came on is the Civil War’s Barton Hallow.
C: “Is this the Johnny Depp look-a-like rocking out?”
So our first actual topic of conversation: People biking on sidewalks. (Which I know is Chase’s number one pet peeve)
C: “Don’t get me started … I recently saw this chubby girl with this old helmet riding on the sidewalk and it was actually OK with me because you could tell she would have pissed her pants if she were three feet near a car … I just hate when people are on road bikes who know what they’re doing and are going 15 mph running over pedestrians.”
“Theres a reason why its called side walk and not side ride, have some respect!”
“If you are riding at night use a light … Also wear a fucking helmet, no girls are checking you out while you ride your bike and if they are, they aren’t going to flag you down while you’re biking … wear your fucking helmet”
My Morning Jacket’s Holdin’ on to Black Metal comes on Spotify next, the song is featured in MLB 2k12 which is a house favorite so I ask Chase for his take on his dominance in the game.
C: “Clayton Kershaw’s backdoor slider is unhittable especially paired to the front door 2-seam fastball which Tristan always thinks is a ball, but sneaks in for the strikeout.”
“I really love when the drunken idiots in the outfield put up the backwards K for strike out looking. “
“I don’t even wanna talk about Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball for Super Nintendo … I don’t know how the Expos were so terrible in real life but dominated in the game. Moises Alou was the best.”
At this point Chase started rattling off names of early 90’s ball players I hadn’t heard of nor will I ever care about and then waxed poetic about their individual talents and skills for about another five minutes. I’ve stopped listening.
“Ken Griffey Jr. was my favorite game when I was 8. I went through and put in the actual names on the rosters. That was the start of my love for video games.” Then he started talking about NHL 94 for N64 again I have zoned out … one thing I have no interest in … professional hockey another thing I have no interest in 90’s athletes.
I overhear him mentioning something about how some Penguin’s player in the game was named Ulf.
C: “If I ever have a kid I would name him Ulf, I would somehow convince my wife to name him Ulf … Ulf Parker (high pitched laugh), either that or Amos.”
C: “This piece is going to take serious editing.”
T: “No editing required.”
C: “We should just do this any time you need an article.”
T: “My thoughts exactly.”
T: “What do you think of Linsanity?”
C: “I’m confused about Houston’s obsession with Asian basketball players. I think part of it is that they’ve already tapped into the Asian market of Yao Ming. I don’t think I would have given him that kind of money based on pure talent, but if it’s a marketing thing then OK.” (Side bar, I went to Houston with my family this past November for two days we did nothing there but visit Chinese grocery stores in Chinatown (that’s approximately 12 Chinese grocery stores) clearly the market is there). During the time I spent typing that Chase was rambling about salary caps and boring accounting shit.
T: “What scared you most when you were a kid?”
C: “My immediate response which might be too serious for this article would be death.” (I don’t think that’s all too serious) “What happened to me after death?”
T: “If you could have your ultimate heaven what would it look like?”
C: “I would play Pebble Beach and Augusta National in alternating days, no waiting, I would have a big fat Cuban Cigar which wouldn’t hurt me because I’d be dead already, no lung cancer. My ultimate foursome would be my dad, Freddy Couples, and John Wooden (Note … aside from his dad … all old people) Afterwards, I’d go to the club house and have more beers with my boys (Tristan, Ryan, Dan, and Adam) we’d play some cards and listen to Brandi Carlisle live.”
A car careens out of it’s parallel position at unhealthy speeds in front of us so I ask for gramp’s opinion on parallel parking.
“I don’t have a strong opinion on parallel parking ‘cept when people dive head forward and then pull the old reverse forward reverse forward until they just bail after failing. They clearly got their license in a state that didn’t require it in their driver’s test.”
Brandi Carlisle is still playing…
C: “God this is real country music, I wish country stations played only this stuff so that people didn’t hate country. It’s completely justified to hate the kinda shit they play now. People who love the Avett Brothers, Mumford and folk, that’s the real country music. I would envision country music to be literal porch drinking music. Porch drinking music is something that some family in po-dunk Kentucky is playing on the porch while drinking moonshine just to have music to listen to.” (I take complete offense to that generalization)
C: “There’s no better way to end a night on the porch than drinking a great beer and having a nice cigar.”
T: “That’s a boring old manish response.”
C: “We’ve already heard this song.”
C: “Are you done with your article so we can have a real conversation?”