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Top 5 Things to Expect from iPhone 6

iphone 6

Tech nerds everywhere are emerging from their dark cavernous dwellings, pausing episodes of HBO’s Silicon Valley, brushing off can of Red Bull and bottles of BAWLS, and in many cases seeing daylight for the first time in years in anticipation of Tuesday’s release of the iPhone 6. While a few details have begun leaking regarding larger screens, details on storage space, how iOS 8 will affect app developers and more, the bulk of the new phone’s details have still been shrouded in mystery… until now.

That’s right, a lowly national beer and lifestyle blog, with a mere 2K Facebook followers has confirmed from inside sources 10 groundbreaking elements to expect from the iPhone 6 (this will also mark the first time we’ve broken tech news since the announcement of the Tamagotchi)!

1. Bigger Battery Life

Throw those battery chargers away, this new iteration will be powered by 1.21 gigga watts of clean renewable energy. Yes, not only will your iPhone 6 be able to power third world countries, but when properly synced with the newly released Flux Capacitor app, you’ll be able to join Bill and Ted on an excellent adventure.

2. Bigger, More Flamboyant Screen

This point has already been in speculation with many sites anticipating 5.5 inch screen and 4.7 inch screen versions of the iPhone which would align the new release in the so-called “phablet” category like that of Samsung’s Galaxy Note. However what many don’t realize is that Apple’s phablet will actually tell you just how fabulous you look every time you turn the device on. “You look FAAAAABULOUS Today!”


3. More Robust Audio

Apple hasn’t forgotten it’s roots, in fact tomorrow’s release will signal a major throwback in focus for the mobile device giant. The shift pays homage to it’s initial business model built around the concept of providing quality mobile music in it’s iPod line. The iPhone will also aim to eliminate upstart competitors like it’s most recent opponent in Beats by Dre. The 6 will instead provide actual beats by Dre, when the device conjures live performances from Dr. Dre. Experts are still baffled by how this will physically be possible, but Apple has assured us that they have the technology and are just awaiting legal to clear paperwork.

4. HealthKit Saves Lives

Leading up to Tuesday’s announcement, information has already started leaking around the new iOS 8 operation system with developer friendly tools like PhotoKit, HouseKit and HealthKit. However what has yet to be revealed, is the fact that HealthKit not only helps to manage personal health data in a secure singular location that can interface with other apps when approved, but it can also cure the Ebola virus. And while it’s unconfirmed, rumors point to HealthKit being able to identify when your drink has been spiked with “Molly” which has been laced with amphetamines. Future Wes Welkers of the world can rest easy.

5. Siri Functionality Increases

Over the past few years Siri has helped users identify the closest Taco Bell at hours that no other human intelligence would be able to function, she’s provided the latest updates on just how terrible the Chicago Cubs are performing and now she’ll expertly be able to tell you just how pretentious you’re being about your beer selection. Siri’s new functionality eloquently knocks first world problems down a peg whenever she hears you asking about the OG (original gravity) of a beer, or whenever you hold up lines by snapping photos of your local craft purchase for that beer app that serves no real purpose, or whenever she detects you trolling message boards about how this year’s Christmas Ale totally sucks compared to last. She’ll instead soak you with Bud Light Strawber-Rita then direct you to the nearest youth center or AA meeting where you can volunteer your time to better serve your community.

Other Unconfirmed But Totally True Rumors

  • iPhone 6’s new augmented reality capabilities allows users to hold their phones up to nagging in-laws and inserts their images into select scenes from JAWS, Jurassic Park, and Michael Bay’s entire catalogue.
  • Whenever visiting e-commerce sites, the Parks & Recreation theme changes all purchase buttons to “Treat Yo Self”, and whenever you’re on twitter acting especially narcissistic “Tweet” buttons are converted to “Tweet Yo Self”.
  • Another built in app, prevents you from being that 70 year old that your friends all grow to loathe. Whenever you attempt to call an Uber, Lyft or Cab home before 9 p.m. the app automatically starts blasting DJ Snake and Lil Jon’s Turn Down for What?
  •  To curtail further leaked celebrity photos the augmented reality feature puts hackers on the alert by projecting images of their nude selves whenever they try to hack into others’ personal data, that or it just counter hacks by flooding hackers’ personal emails with outdated Farmville requests.

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